An Affair to Remember!

I have missed writing nonsense and here I am to finally satiate that hunger. Speaking of hunger, we already know that our country may produce food grains to a large extent thanks to the various revolutions in agriculture in the past. However it never quite trickles down to the desired segment as often as our policymakers would like.

No, this isnt a boring piece on our food problem. On the contrary, its about something more 'micro' in nature. The institution of marriage and how it, just like our country's policies never seems to rid itself of all the evils.

My Grandmother (Hereinafter referred to as Granny) is a woman on a mission. A Mission which can be considered even tougher than the ones Bond or Cruise go through in their flicks. She is trying to get the 'Indian' woman settle down in life through marriage. Yes, her very own Marriage bureau. I was never interested in any of her work until one day she told me of a disturbing account, which I was quite saddened by.

Granny received a request from a girl, about 30 years of age, who wanted to settle down through 'Arranged Marriage' and sent her the vital details required for the same. Granny met this girl who wasn't very attractive to look at but did her bit by supporting her mother through her Dad's long illness post unemployment and also supported her younger sister's education. Not to mention that she had two prospective alliances broken before she approached by My Granny.

The family didnt have much to shout about, except it's brief moment of happiness when the eldest daughter got married into a very nice family and was now very happy. Somehow, Granny found a suitor who initially agreed to meet up and then said 'Yes' (A big word in Marriage terms) to the girl.

The girl's family communicated that they wont be able to afford a lavish ceremony for the engagement and that this would be a pre-condition to everything else. The groom's family agreed to it. My Granny had a nice smile on her face that day. She instructed the girl to save as much as she could for the engagement and ensure that atleast immediate families could enjoy a simple yet proper ceremony as per the community's norms.

Then one day, the sister of the groom decided to change the family's stance. She said that considering that the groom's family was a wealthy one, a simple engagement wont suit them. The groom's family would pay for half the costs but would want it at an expensive 'hall' with lots of people invited.

The girl decided to take this in her stride and even though my Granny complained at this last minute change, she wanted to give this another chance. Then the groom's sister wanted to speak with the girl's maternal uncle urgently (who had been out of the picture by his own choice)

The uncle couldn't make it on short notice as he had gone with his wife on a vacation. The groom's family visibly showed displeasure on this. Then, the groom's sister then put some more conditions on the girl which hinting at trying to get a 'I Give Up on this' from the girl. With the rising demands, the girl decided to back out and my Granny agreed with her stance.

What I am trying to point out through this account is, Many of us believe dowry and domination of women in the name of small favours etc during Marriage are a long gone trend, however this is not the case. People (especially women) strangely still love to cash in on their son's/brother's marriage and end up spoiling the experience (both present and future) of their fellow women through such cheap tricks.

Even the love marriage network doesnt escape this, I have heard of families requesting the girl's father for certain amount of gold even in a love marriage scenario. Yes, a daughter has a right on her fathers monetary assets but this is bulldozing your indirect charge on them!

My Granny has a beautiful quality of not giving up on anything and she will try her best to get a good alliance for the girl.

I hope that we stop using Men as Cash magnets and stop harassing women and their parents on and after the wedding day through indirect favours without uttering the word, 'Dowry'

For we are not educated if we do so, just literate enough to know what's good and bad and yet feign ignorance when it comes to the bad!

I sincerely hope, we change for the better, but I cant lose hope, especially not when my 79 year old grandmother refuses to!

ANI...what does that stand for?

Now after months of making fun of everything under the sun (including myself) I thought maybe I should stop and look at myself again so that I can make some more poor jokes of the specimen that is fondly known as ANI. Of-course ANI may stand for many things, his friends, his family, his values (yes even I have values) but one thing that is totally evident to one and all...its ANI stands for...AMBITION NOT INCLUDED....right? Well that is how it is perceived and yes sadly its now as evident as the 'M' sign of McDonalds!

(Please note Project ANI will be addressed as it....so dont get freaked out)

Well Project ANI had a lot running on it from day 1....13th of August 1986. It was supposed to be the beacon of light in the family. To some extent ANI turned up during its early years....as all kids were....even ANI made everyone smile a lot. To add to this...it was witty as well.

Intelligence was in abundance as informed to us by 'sources'....but there was always one statutory warning....ANI did stand for Ambition not included.

ANI's creator in chief....its mother is an amazing woman who has sacrificed a lot for the family and naturally after one experience with her hubby, who even though is a gem of a person.... wasn't exactly well settled; she had great hopes from ANI....as any mother should...alas ANI was slowly turning out to be a creation who just didn't want the same things.

ANI had some disgusting ideas of writing books and his 'ambition' so to speak was to be a 'good person'....yeah I know you're probably laughing at this excuse to avoid hard work....yup that it probably was....ANI was always lazy...but guys....tell me if ANI had intelligence.... wouldn't he come up with a better excuse apart from the very laughable and debatable and extremely subjective 'being a good person' excuse? (Another thing I didn't tell you...Project ANI came with a high doze of argumentative skills...so really that excuse could actually be true...right?

Project ANI did manage to become a banker...not a very good one...thankfully also completed its graduation....but was lacking the seriousness to get the one thing left on the agenda....a post graduation degree.....ANI didn't have the guts to tell its creators that it had no interest in accounts, banking or anything that dealt even remotely with numbers.....Project ANI wanted to be an author, script writer, dreamer (we all are...hehe) and his silly good person thing.

Right now neither was it a great banker....not a post graduate (failing in the same exams 5 times)...neither on the right track to writing novels...so that just left one thing....yeah the silly good person thing....oh it was trying mighty hard at that...atleast thats what 'sources' tell us!

Project ANI always regretted that it couldn't make its creator...its mother happy....Project ANI wanted to buy a house now...he felt he could make an investment and rise a little in the eyes of its creator....but who would blame the creator if the creation had produced so many duds in the past....which creator would trust its little one again....Its mother is a wonderful creature....she still does forgive the creation for all its shortcomings and always appreciates the little things...but the sorrow of not having seen its creation at least scale the logical heights....always kills a small part of her everyday.

Project ANI on the other hand has nothing to complain....it knows that its mother wants the best for it....although finance and other numbers stuff is boring and it cant fathom any of it....sources say ANI will try earnestly this time....so that it can rise up again....so that none of its friends or family members get too far ahead in the race of life.....

An extract from a recently released song describes where Project ANI stands at this moment...at a crossroad.....

"Raahein aisi jinki manzil hi nahin
Dhoondho mujhe ab main rehta hoon wahin

Dil hai kahin aur dhadkan hai kahin
Saansien hai magar kyun zinda main nahin"

Project ANI may never take off and disappoint till its bitter end....or maybe...just maybe....just like it gives 100% for its family....it can throw out the crap of being a writer/author/good person mumbo jumbo and get that post graduation and better job....so that it gets to see the one thing it longs for more than its so called ambition.....the satisfied face of its creator....its mother...and then he can say with that long forgotten child like glee....."Ma....I made you proud na?"

Yaadon Ki Baarat and all that Jazz!

Alright.....I have returned from a self imposed exile....just like Dhai Kilo Deol did few months back....only his comeback was a flop and my chances dont look so promising as well.

Anyway, the 31st of December saw a few ups and downs.....one of my favourite colleagues....very senior to me....retired and we all had our moments when everybody spoke at his farewell function.

Spent the evening drinking a lot of rum...and watching men behave in weird ways when the clock struck the 12 am.... of course neither were they as irresistible as Lara Croft or as sweet as Cinderella....but still shook their so called booty to Sheila ki jawaani and Munni Badnaam....like there was no tomorrow (Oh well they were into tomorrow....sorry today...bad one...please ignore)

For a while it was fun to watch...then we decided to leave before we threw up to a sight of men dancing to Kaanta laga (they didnt...hopefully)

Ofcourse, later that night.....heard the most simple song which really got me into the new year with a new zest....Yaadon ki Baarat nikli hain aa dil ke dwaare...I was walking with my bro...Pratik Khopkar....and heard this song....2010 had gone...like 2009 and 2008 before....it....here I was still walking into the new year....with my bro at my side.....I didnt know what it would bring...and what I'd end up losing but I knew....sure as hell I'd want to hear that song on 31st December 2011 as well!

ofcourse the babe's were all safely on their beau's bikes.....and we 'changoo mangoo' were loitering around. We took a trip down memory lane whilst passing MLDC...the place that made us brothers...We remembered all the silly things we did and laughed about it. Life was going to bring in new surprises this year and while we are always ready for a fight.....we cant forget what went by...

Ofcourse....our transition into the new year would have been even better if we had Renee Zelwegger and Catherine Zeta Jones dancing on that number....."All that Jazz" with those amazingly sexy outfits....but I guess thats as illogical as 'day dreaming at night' which we were doing...lol (another bad one...u see...I'm getting to old for blogging)

Anyway.....2010 was a fun year....I thought I made a difference to myself....although stats prove otherwise....failure at exams proving to be a very strong contender.....but then life is also about numbers.....and hopefully 2011 will bring in the necessary 5's and 6's before those 0's that I come up with at the exams

My return has been less irritating I hope...but thats coz I am still rusty from the after effects of watching a Mohd Kaif type guy dancing on Sheila ki jawaaani...instead of his more desirable namesake!

But rest assured I will come and irritate you (if u wish to read this) in the near future.....May the force be with you....(Thats for Star Wars fans.... OR constipation patients OR both!)

Dhanyawad!

Survival of 'Phitest'

Incredible India has seen some good and bad things since my sabbatical from this not so note-worthy blog. As I tirelessly wandered through the roads of Santacruz and Khar....(usually I take an autorickshaw...hence the overemphasis on wandering). I couldnt help but notice that if we keep aside the taller buildings and hoardings and the various shapes of new cars....we are all still in the very same place. (Yeah...n I dont mean the address....its just that I feel that through time...though things have changed so much...ironically....its all still the same deep down)

The roads havent changed...just like the BMC....always has given us the service we come to expect of it! Then there is the "Kachra Kachra Kachraaare....eeeee....Kachra Kachra Kachraaare....eee" Im sorry about that I had to sing a Himes bhai song to describe how the garbage we saw 10 years ago thrown beside roads has not changed....despite the new self proclaiming 'more educated and secular' government that came to power and donated us garbage bins as evident from their Chamcha hoardings!

The rains dont start and when they do....news channels cover it like its a flood in Bihar or West Bengal. That I fear will never change....coz journalists are used to breaking the news.....(offence intended)

12 years ago...there was a successor to Maradona.....even now there is.....and there will be news ones every year for the next 12 years if Argentina keep disappointing in world cups!

Coming back to India......few years ago....some idiots went all the way to the Parliament and didnt kill a single politician....instead killed police and other security staff....(people who were actually doing thier job!) The guy that was caught....is still alive!

Circa 2010....some idiots thought taking over Mumbai would be fun....but ended up creating a havoc.....and now even after the guy they managed to catch is convicted....well....same story....still alive!

Almost 10 years ago.....the dubiously christened Gujrat ka "Maut Ka Saudagar" was busy planning his rise into active discussion on biased news channels...today 10 years later....he is a star! And Im not talking about the director of Saudagar (hehe) That Ghai...oops guy would be called "English ke maut ka saudagar"

The original Maut Ke Saudagar.....the men from Bhopal who shuda been imprisoned....well....they are stars as well these days and 26 years later...they have got some sentences which they most definitely can/will challenge and prolong the sentence to another 26 years ....Jai Ho!

some years ago.....one party bashed up people on the road.....now some other parties indulge in that! Its a free for all on the streets of Mumbai!

In all this....the common man/woman has survived the pitfalls and potholes and become a unique breed....the one that never says or does anything....just takes it as it comes.....following the dude who started it all years ago....get hit on one cheek...show them the other....by the time they are done....u wont have cheeks but u will have your pride!

So I end this with a few words dedicated to us....for in this battle of survival of the phittest...we have done what was necessary....survived the inflation in the economy and our waistlines....and as we move toward another decade.....the seriousness of the latter (waistline) will be of more importance to us!

Bye for now....and those people who dozed off while reading this....WAKE UP!

Now thats.....Entertainment!

Even the McMahons of the wrestling entertainment business couldn't do what Rukh Rukh and his chuddi buddie (langotiya yaar in english for me) director did.

Now it isn't every day that an 'honourable' (haah!) politician indirectly urges the public to go watch a movie. Everyone did their bit and got to their slice of the pie....

Politicians travelling by train isn't a gimmick that was original in India, but in India we seem to love appreciating stunts made by the stars of our film industry and our political scene which isn't any less filmy than the former.

As a lazy bugger I get confused on issues even though I'm in tune with these stunts and chewing the popcorn while watching the idiot box. I still don't get the issue into that tiny malfunctioning brain of mine.

There are various points to this though,

First question why does Rukh Rukh Khan want our neighbour's cricketers and why was he so unhappy with the 'treatment' dished out to them? (Although it was an auction n Rukh Rukh himself didn't bid for them!)

A)Is it because Rukh Rukh feels his floundering knights from the 'Indian Gully Cricket League' would be bolstered by a our neighbour's who lost 3-0 (out of 3 tests), 5-0 (out of 5 ODIs) and the lone gully cricket match to a team which England beat in the Ashes and could prevent a whitewash in the ODIs as well (no disrespect to them!)

B)The captain of our neighbours cricket team called him up and said, "Please Rukh Rukh bhais we wants yous too helps us in salvagings some imaan and izaats (considering we r getting trashed by Ozzies with no Lees, Mcgrath, and warnes) and sos wes reqists yous to creates stupid controversies and takes our side and feel bura for us despite us beings useless (cant add 's' to that)" (hence the stupid traitor remark made by the Crouching Cub and Hidden Tiger of Mumbai's politics)

C) The trailers of his new film weren't being watched that much, so he decided to do something to atleast let people know about it via the media and with the help of the Crouching Cub & Hidden Tiger of our lovely city? His chuddi buddie wont mind

One never knows what Rukh Rukh wants....but its entertaining.... of-course its sad he is now trying to remind people that indeed his last name is Khan in case anyone forgets!

Crouching Cub and Hidden Tiger are kinda facing an image crisis I guess...due to the emergence of another similar character like them, a son of the soil dragon breathing fire and stones...(lets call him enter the dragon for the time being)
In this desperation, competition is high between the 2 clans to prove to us the common people how much each of them cares about our culture,sentiments and etc etc. No wonder that everyone's saying save our tigers!!!!!! Well only 2 left in Mumbai I guess!

To add to their misery, we have a new entrant into the "Haath" wala party train travelers club after "Chi Chi" did the same few years ago...ofcourse he was later being called Chee Chee....but thats a whole other issue.
Unlike what the crouching tiger,hidden tiger or the outcast cousin the dragon, its not important where he came from (not which station but which city...lol) but the prime minister in waiting wanted to alight at the station that read "Peoples Hearts" Too bad no politician seems to be invited there.

He has a plan and that is to drill it into the youth that we are Indians first...fair enough....we must be Indians. In fact we are Indians, but tell me Mr. PM-in-waiting baba, Indians seem to call Calcutta, Kolkatta these days, Madras as Chennai but somehow these same Indians seem ashamed to call Bombay as Mumbai? Nothing wrong in keeping with the times and calling the city its current name no matter who changed it right?

Mumbai may be for all...but guys guys....she isn't a prostitute now is she? That anyone can come here screw some money of her and then courier or even wire it back to states where public money is spent on building statues of elephants of the human and animal kingdom!

Sure freedom is our right and we should enjoy it but with it Indians should remember to respect Mumbai and start calling her by the name for a start....maybe Indians should stop bringing in unnecessary elaborate attempts to UP-ise or Bihar-ise it for a change...just a thought Mr. PM in waiting.....

Oh and one more thing Mr. PM in waiting....whats with the "We must be Indians" sermon and then almost agreeing to form 2 states out of Andhra? Or was it due to some politician singing, "Kya hua tera waada...woh kasam woh iraada!

As a lazy bugger, I dont have the energy to take sides....but if Rukh Rukh, PM Jr and the tigers and dragons of Mumbai actually shut up and do thier jobs instead of telling me about being an Indian by hugging our neighbours or being a Maharashtrian by beating migrants and calling other Indians traitors for thier opinions...maybe just maybe I'll start to believe in them.

I'd like to forget this shit and be lost in my own world, but as a wise man said....There some things you cant forget...for everything else there's Alchohol!

Bye

Jai Hind aani Jai Maharashtra!

I'd like to thank......

Once upon a time, I was born in this world. Since then I have remembered 3 constitutional rights, 1) Eating all you can

2) Sleeping whenever you can

3) Complaining all you can at the slightest opportunity!

Yes those 3 beautiful things that every lazy bugger always stands by. But in the recent past, things seem to be a lot clearer despite the rising pollution levels in Mumbai. I may not be able to see stars anymore but I can now see things more important than them.

When I joined school, the complaint was that there were richer kids with much better lunch boxes and compass boxes. I didnt like the fact that I didnt have them. I would secretly want to be in their place. Yeah Yeah I was pathetic....kids are like that and what would surprise you is that even I was a kid!

At home, my mom seemed to be the one person who would find many flaws in my character and I never liked her for that. I had complaints from my dad too....I didnt get as many material things from him as the other 'Bandra' kids would from thier old men!

But my old man and his wife gave me 3 things in such abundance that I can never run out of them...and those wonderful gifts are love, patience and understanding. Now I dont wanna be in any other place!

But even though its not possible to turn back time and change myself...I'd like to thank my parents for being there and bearing the 3 stupid rights that I'd throw at them from time to time.

I complained that I didnt have many great friends until I met 3 idiots just like me in school. And though they're much smarter....I seemed to connect with them and till date I'm very close to each one of them. Bhanu, Rochan and Nimish.....I dont know how I'd enjoy school life without you three!

College didnt seem the glamorous type (for me a glamorous college would be one serving pizzas and 'amburgers for me whenever I'd want to have one!)....but there I met another 3 lunatics who have made my life all the more special. Kunal, Navin and that imbicle of a little brother that I have adopted...Pratik. Sometimes I wonder do all good things come in three's, first my stupid rights, then my family i.e. Mom, Dad and my ego (hehe) and then friends who would have one quantity in abundance, that I crave for...honesty in thier words, thoughts and opinions (dont look at me...even liars like me can have 'true' friends...hehe!)

Anyway as I come to the end of this oscar type speech.....I'd like to give each one of these special people an oscar for bearing a pompous arse like me! You guys make me tick.....and even tho Im a prick...im sure our relationship will stick...

I'd like to borrow a line from the friends theme song to bring this post to an absolute cliché...but hey I really mean it when I say.....I'll be there for you...coz you're there for me too!

April fool banaya....on January 1st 2010

One of the leading newspapers earned some extra cash on the first day of this new year by posting an advertisement which broadly states that we must 'love' our 'dear' neighbours.....yes those 'kind hearted' , 'warm' , 'non fundamentalist' , 'non violent!' people who so dearly love us!

I think the idea is nice....but they should have posted it on the first of April....because then we could understand the joke behind this 'serious' post!

Atleast Mr. Chopra's new film agrees with the idea....Love between us and our 'dear' neighbours is one heck of a 'PYAR IMPOSSIBLE'

Now there are many of you who would disagree and yeah you are entitled to your opinion, but within a year since another gruesome attack by the 'cooks' from our neighbouring country (Qasab seems to pakao a new story with ease thanks to his culinary talents)

They did manage to cook up a storm and now a year later, conveniently we want to forget that....sorry I'm not Sanjay Singhania....and hey even he didnt forget his revenge!

Now now....I am not supporting the 'kamal' or the 'haath' or any elephants, cycles, tigers and even railway trains. I have watched the news (lets forget the biased news channels) and though thankfully I didnt lose anyone on 26th of November, peace for me sounds as hilarious as 3 idiots....(I meant it...the film is amazing!)

Now I dont want to be an 'idiot' and forget everything that happened and dont blame me for the paranoia about civilians from our neighbouring country walking free in cultural programs....coz try and imagine this.....If a cook can be part of a master plan and keep Mumbai on the edge for close to 72 hours....what can thier singers, comedians and other 'consummate' professionals do if given the opportunity! (That was mean of me....but hey atleast I dont dangle an automatic kalashnikov on the road and terrorise people!)

Not to mention, one of the so called partners in this exchange from our 'dear' neighbours side is ironically called 'Jang' if my memory serves me right!

So call me what you want...this lazy bugger wants no such pathetic attempt at peace...whats more I dont want a single man/woman or child from our neighbouring country to earn even a single rupee from our land.

But that wont happen coz our film buffs and celebrities love to be associated with their singers who either sound like they're constipated..remember the 'kaise bataye....yeh pet haaye yaara bataa na paaye...tu jaane naa' (ok I modified it) and then lazier bums singing 'thodi si to lift karaa de' . (Will I enjoy these songs...Kabhi Nahi Kabhi Nahi...Kabhi Nahi!)

I may be unreasonable....but so many wars and attacks later.......I have lost patience with these c(r)ooks!

But then our elected government would decide whether they should 'badhao' the 'haath' or not...so as a lazy bugger all I can say is 'Ab tumhare hawale watan saathiyo'